Morning show hosts number health concern facing the country, new study reveals

A new study by the University of Pakistan Sciences (UPS) has revealed that the number one health threat facing the country this decade are morning show hosts.

Morning show hosts narrowly beat diabetes, heart problems and police brutality to gain the number one spot on the ranking, according to Dr. Ghafoor Aalim.

“The other problems can be fixed by better healthcare by the government and people taking care of themselves,” said Dr. Aalim. “But the reason these hosts are so dangerous is because it makes people think why do I have to work if morons like these can get paid to sing, dance, gossip and pull shit-brained stunts so early in the morning? The problem is of morale.”

The study also revealed that the morning show host disease spreads faster than many deadly viruses known to man—including rabies, ebola and dengue—and victims go through three stages as it progresses. In stage one, what starts with staring at the TV with one’s mouth open in disbelief, over time progresses to confusion, delusions and paranoia. Stage two patients experience lethargy, loss of morale, mental stagnation, and stage three victims leak brain matter from the ears followed by death.

More: New traffic law—fines, jail time for drivers using indicators

“When one sees these lunatics treat acne, fix marital problems and exorcise jinns with the same cucumber, wh else do you think will happen to that person? The more we let this go on, the faster it will affect the entire country,” said Dr. Aalim.

With no cure or vaccine available yet to treat this growing health concern, Dr. Aalim said there’s only one thing to be done, starting with separating the hosts from the normal population.

“We tried a lot of things in our study trials. But the only thing that seems to work is collecting all the hosts together in Karachi, putting them on a plane, flying them as far over the Arabian Sea as possible, and then dropping them. That, or forcing them to get real jobs,” he said.

“This may sound extreme, but extreme problems demand extreme solutions. I plead the government to take notice and act before these morning viruses ruin us all.”


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


Humayun Saeed to write, produce, direct, edit, debut and star in new Netflix series ‘Super Humayun’

Veteran actor Humayun Saeed is set to write, produce, direct, edit, debut and star in Netflix’s first-ever Pakistani superhero show “Super Humayun.”

Sources close to both Saeed and Netflix are tight-lipped about the exciting venture but rumours are Saeed will not only play the heroic vigilante crime fighter Super Humayun, but will also have a double role as the show’s main villain, Humayun Dada.

Rumours are abuzz that Saeed will also do all his own stunts as well as choreographing the show’s two item numbers, also performed by Saeed.

The first season, set in Thatta, will depict Super Humayun’s fight to save the city from alien invaders led by his arch rival and estranged twin brother Humayun Dada. Rumours are abuzz that Saeed will also do all his own stunts as well as choreographing the show’s two item numbers, also performed by Saeed.

The small cast of the show, with most of the characters being played by Saeed himself—most notably the hero, his love interest, and the villain—is a testament to his broad skills and abilities, according to casting director Humayun Saeed.  

With shooting currently being held on-location in Thatta, the series is set to debut on Eid-ul-Fitr 2020.


Sana Mudeer is a former award-winning journalist who burned out early and now has to write for the Daily Fikar. Forced to return all her awards, she can now be found sulking around the office brooding over what could have been. 


Valentine’s Day now ‘Cousin-Se-Dulhan’ Day: Punjaban University to promote local tradition on Feb. 14

NEWS BRIEF (Faisalabad)—In an effort to shun the irrelevant Western tradition of Valentine’s Day and promote the long standing local tradition of marrying cousins, Punjaban University will be celebrating Cousin-Se-Dulhan Day on Feb. 14.

“All these young boys and girls spend so much time writing love letters and buying chocolates for their so-called girlfriends and boyfriends, when in fact they’ll end up getting married to that cousin they always thought of as a sibling until after the first child,” said university president Zanana Khofiyaan. “So instead of wasting time on these false Western dreams, we want our youth to write letters to and buy chocolates for all of their cousins because statistically one of them is going to be their real jaanu for life.”

Needlessly disciplined and pointlessly stubborn: Major (retd) Yaqeen Aziz

Major (retd) Yaqeen Aziz is a serious man. Needlessly disciplined, pointlessly stubborn and filled with too much self-control, the major retired from the armed forces 15 years ago. Now at 63, he spends each day exactly the same way as the last and as a mirror image of the next.

So when I got the major’s permission to follow him along for a morning for this profile, he made it clear that he won’t make any changes to his schedule on my account. The major even suggested that I stay over in a guest room at his house the night before so I could get the full experience of his routine.

The full experience is indeed what I got when I was woken up by a violent banging at the door at 5 a.m. It was the major: a pudgy, clean-shaven man standing in the doorway—dressed in a old worn out t-shirt, blue shorts which ended right above his knees, a white sweatband wrapped around his forehead, and Bata joggers.

“Beta an early morning workout will keep you active well into old age,” he said.

We went onto the terrace where the major began his work out regimen: an assortment of push ups, jumping jacks, burpees, hip circles and booty squeezes. The major would grunt loudly like a tennis player after each exercise rep and from the terrace, I could see lights coming on in the neighboring houses, no doubt of sleepy neighbours now programmed to wake up to the sounds of this aging human rooster.

I could see lights coming on in the neighboring houses, no doubt of sleepy neighbours now programmed to wake up to the sounds of this aging human rooster.

After 20 minutes, Major Aziz sat down next to me and between gasps for air said, “When I was your age, I would do this for two hours. I was the fittest man in my family. And I had eleven brothers, two of whom played hockey for Pakistan under-19s.” The major then dived into a long list of athletic achievements of his family, dating back 200 years when his great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Yaqeen Aziz Sr., captained the first subcontinent cricket team to play the British.

It was around 6:30 a.m. when the bell rang and interrupted the major’s sporting reminisces from going back any farther. We peered over the terrace and saw the family maid. The major went inside and put on a white shalwar over his sweat-drenched shorts before opening the gate.

The major and his neighbours start each day with his terrace exercises.

“6:37. Seven minutes late. Again. Have you no sense of time? If you were in the army, I would’ve had you court martialed by now,” he said.

The maid look over at me and grinned patiently, undisturbed and apparently at ease with the daily one-sided banter. “Sorry major,” she said. The maid calling him major might seem a little strange but Major Aziz refuses to be addressed any other way, even by his three adult children. In fact, people wanting him to do them a favour often call him major-general, much to his delight. Only the major’s wife is exempt from the rule and is allowed to call him “Sir Aziz”.

Inside the house, the major sat at the head of the dining table. Putting on his reading glasses, he picked up the day’s DAWN newspaper. By the time he was done clucking in disdain at every headline on the front page—and muttering “Huh, so this is democracy”—his breakfast had arrived. Four fried eggs, three large buttered parathas and tea.

Only the major’s wife is exempt from the rule and is allowed to call him “Sir Aziz”.

“I’ve been cutting down recently,” he said.  “At your age I’d eat twice this much and finish it off with namkeen lassi. But my doctor says I have high cholesterol and you can’t find good lassi anywhere in Karachi now. It all tastes like Disprin water.”

By 8 a.m.—after breakfast and a quick shower—the major had changed into a purple track suit, but with his sweatband still on. He was now following the maid around to make sure she was cleaning the house properly, pointing out spots she was apparently missing and wiping dust with his finger to show her. Mrs. Aziz had just woken up and thankfully came to the maid’s rescue. After a tense exchange between the spouses, the major picked up his walking stick and signaled me to join him outside.

Still fuming, he strode down the street as I struggled to keep up. He pointed the stick at a neighbour getting in his car and called after him. “Daud Sahb, this car was parked on the street again last night. I saw it from my terrace. Didn’t I ask you to move it yesterday?”

The neighbour quickly squeezed into the driver’s seat, turned the ignition on, and only reluctantly lowered his window as the major approached. “It’s my car, parked in front of my house, what is it to you major?” he asked.

“What is it to me? It’s a matter of principle Daud Sahb. As chairman of the Gulshan Street Parking Association—.”

“You made up the association yourself major and you voted yourself chairman. It’s not real. Please now I’ll be late for work.”

“What do you mean I made it up?! This is the problem with Muslims today. If someone tries to do something good, no one stands with him. Nobody appreciates him. The British, gone. Zia, gone. Saddam, gone. Gaddafi, gone,” the major yelled. “I’m a concerned citizen Daud Sahb and I’ll continue doing my part.”

Walking past a mosque on our way, I read a sign outside and did a double take. It read, “No shoes or Major Aziz beyond this point.”

Neighbour Daud had decided to leave midway through the major’s rant and left him pointing and waving amid exhaust fumes. The major and I continued our walk towards the nearby park where he was meeting some of his buddies for their daily speed walking session. Walking past a mosque on our way, I read a sign outside and did a double take. It read, “No shoes or Major Aziz beyond this point.”

The major walks on spreading discipline to everyone around him.

I pointed at the sign and asked the major about it. He laughed. “Amir beta, there’s only two things I can’t stand: hunger, and people who are not punctual. The muezzin at this masjid tested my patience two years ago during Ramadan when he gave the Maghrib azaan three minutes late. I knew he was late because I memorize the Iftaar calendar every year. I waited for the muezzin to come outside after Maghrib and then thrashed him with this very walking stick. Since then, every Ramadan he gives the Maghrib azaan three minutes early just to be safe. But they banned me from the masjid for beating him. Even at my own wedding, the food wasn’t served on time because we were all waiting for my wife’s phuppo and her family to drive in from Hyderabad. I would never raise my hand at a woman so when they finally came, I thrashed her phuppo’s husband with this very walking stick. Alhumdulilah, no one has been late to our family functions since then.”

We reached the gate of the park as the major finished his story. It had been one of the more interesting mornings and interviews of my career, but it was time to say goodbye. The major’s speed walking group was private and only a few select retirees could participate. It was 11:07 a.m. as I hailed a taxi back to the office.

This profile is the first in the Daily Fikar’s Humans of Interest series where we interview and spend the day with the more interesting creatures of our society.


Amir Khabri is a staff reporter at the Daily Fikar. Brimming with more enthusiasm than talent, he strives to inform readers of the news that really matters. In his spare time he reads book covers and takes pictures of his neighbour’s dog. You can’t follow Amir anywhere because he detests social media.


Zaleela Apa: When failing your finals is the best option

Dear Zaleela Apa,

 

I’m in the seventh year of my four-year B.A. degree. If I pass all my exams next month, I might finally graduate. My whole family is looking forward to it. My mom says she’ll make sujji ka halwa and send it to the entire family, even to the phuppo she conveniently ‘forgets’ on Shab-e-Baraat. My dad is already getting his tailor to measure for a special sherwani he will wear to my convocation. He had given up hope and this will be as unexpected for him as the birth of my youngest brother.

But I’m afraid. Afraid of passing. What will I do after? My friends will get on with their lives and we’ll lose touch. My pocket money will stop as soon as my dad takes off his tailored sherwani. My girlfriend will get married to her older cousin who is completely his LLM. And on Eid when the relatives visit and find me at home, the question will go from “Beta still studying?” to “Beta still not working?”

I look at my GPA and it’s somehow lower than before I started university.

 

But who will hire me? My only work experience is opening the gate for the maid and fetching towels for my dada when he showers every third Wednesday of the month. Sometimes I think I’ll apply for a M.A. so I can delay all this for another year or two. But then I look at my GPA and it’s somehow lower than before I started university.

What should I do?

– Failing at Life

 

Dear Failure to Graduate,

 

I sympathize with the mental agony you must be going through right now. But rest assured, your problem is neither new nor unique. Statistically, every fourth child ever born in our households turns out to be a forgettable disappointment to his parents, community and country. Back in the old days when it was considered unnatural to have less than 13 children, this was the child whose age, name and existence fathers used to forget. This child had neither the smarts to be the family MBBS, nor the daring to smear the family name and be the reviled yet memorable black sheep. This child—lacking in wit, personality and character—is you.

Statistically, every fourth child ever born in our households turns out to be a forgettable disappointment to his parents, community and country.

I don’t mean to put you down. But you can’t go against statistics and God’s will. My advice to you is accept what you are and look at the bright side of your mediocrity. Shahrukh Khan, B.A. Economics, and perhaps the greatest of living actors, once said, “Success is not a good teacher. Failure makes you humble.” Your life has been one constant humbling experience. Stick to what you know best and without hesitation fail the finals again.

Stay humble.


Zaleela Apa is the Daily Fikar’s in-house expert on life. Her only passion is advising people on how to deal with life issues and maximize their happiness. Send your questions to Zaleela Apa at dailyfikar@gmail.com.


Insta Nani: The grandma of our times

Today for your daily dose of fikar, I have a juicy story absolutely slathered in drama, stereotypes, gossip and bashing said stereotypes with effortless grace.

With modernization at its peak, it’s no surprise it has managed to enfold not only the angsty, hormonal youths but the less hormonal, yet angsty elderly of our community as well! The Nani(s) and Dadi(s) of our generation are to be marvelled. For starters they haven’t your typical faces slathered in talcum powder, eyes hooded with surma stains like estranged pandas, giving sharmeelay poses in sepia-tinted photographs with itchy, karhai waley suits and gotay waley dupattey.

No, God forbid a flimsy piece of cloth hid their delicately streaked hair or they be seen without a brand label on their lively, printed kurtis. By God, they even beat the youngsters with their immaculate OOTD Instagram posts and clean, lipsticked lips.

These women are not particularly inclined to make you karak kahwah with palmsful of daar cheeni that makes your mouth feel as if you just made out with a tree. Nor are they the ones to say “Bismillah!” instinctively if someone stumbles, for of course their 21st century honed instincts immediately rely on a high-pitched “ohmygodareyouarright” if someone does fall.

Of course they may not have many totkas safely knotted in the corners of their dupattas (nor do they have many dupattas), but they do preach the benefits of organic food and veganism mostly through spamming you with infomercials and videos on WhatsApp.

Though we may miss the soft spoken tales, woven precariously with nostalgia and love that dripped down our purani Nani’s lips, we do not particularly dislike indulging in the gossip with her modern avatar about Salma who has been suspiciously spending a lot of time outdoors after her hubby leaves for work.

Anyway. No matter the era, we always love them so kudos to these new, revolutionary grandmas!


Sarah Saleem is a fried potato who potates most of the time but eventually takes out some time to write about the tyrannies of this world before dozing off to dream about potatoes again.  Find Sarah on Instagram (@sarahh.saleem).


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After fixing America, Trump now promises to Make Pakistan Great Again

NEWS BRIEF—After listing every mistake Pakistan has ever made since 1947, US President Donald Trump has called the country a friend and promised to make it great again.

Hot off the successes of his own tenure as president, where his main achievement remains getting his entire family into government, Trump believes he’s just the right person to help Pakistan.

But experts observing Trump’s relationship with Pakistan have warned about the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

“Like an abusive boyfriend, President Trump threatens by ending US aid one day, and tries to kiss and make up by saying mildly sweet things the next,” said child psychologist Shamina Amina. “Pakistan should keep its eyes and ears fully open.”


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


Like what you read? Giggled a little? Then share it with your friends on Facebook, and follow us on Instagram (@dailyfikar) for more laughs. 


New traffic law: Fines, jail time for drivers using indicators

Starting in 2019, traffic police across Pakistan will be authorized to stop, fine and jail drivers using indicators for turning or changing lanes.

The reason being given for the new law is that flashing the indicator causes more accidents than not using it at all. The cars behind the indicating driver speed up to prevent him or her from changing lanes and this has been the lead cause of car accidents across the country.

“You don’t need indicators in Pakistan. If you want to turn, you turn. Just do it. Nobody needs to know your plans for the day.”

Minister for Traffic Tahir Khufiajaal

At a big press conference covered by local and international media, Minister for Traffic Tahir Khufiajaal said this is an example of the government’s forward thinking in the new year.

“In other countries when people see a car’s indicator, they make room for it to turn or merge. Our people don’t think like that. They take an indicator as a personal insult and get upset,” Khufiajaal said. “So we’ve decided to ban indicators.”

Khufiajaal has instructed all local car manufacturers to remove indicators from cars in production with licenses being revoked for those who don’t comply. Owners of imported cars will have to cover their indicators with black tint tape so no accidents are caused if anyone sees their indicator light turn on by accident.

Large fines and jail time for those who continue using their indicators.

Several foreign reporters at the press conference asked Khufiajaal how people should signal if they want to turn or change lanes without indicators.

“You don’t need indicators in Pakistan. If you want to turn, you turn. Just do it,” he said. “Nobody needs to know your plans for the day.”

Khufiajaal went on to add that any driver seen giving indicators the first time will be fined at least Rs. 2,500 and have their car towed at personal expense. Repeat offenders might be jailed for up to 15 days, fined Rs.10,000 and their car scrapped, also at personal expense.


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


Like what you read? Giggled a little? Then share it with your friends on Facebook, and follow us on Instagram (@dailyfikar) for more laughs. 

New game plan: Pakistan to play all bowlers and no batsmen in 2019

A new team for 2019. In a radical step to change their fortunes in the new year, Pakistan cricket administrators have come up with a new plan: drop all batsmen and play 11 bowlers in every game.

“Every year it’s the same thing. The batsmen score no more than the tailenders, so what’s the point? We have a strong bowling unit and we will have a better chance to win if we play 11 bowlers and no batsmen,” said Khushbakht Jan, assistant team manager.

With the World Cup only months away, Jan said the new strategy will throw other teams off because no one has tried it before. Even the keeper will be a specialist bowler.

Several former cricketers have come out in favour of the new strategy.

“Credit to the management, what a beauty! This is exactly the type of thinking we need right now: hard and strong,” said former player Kameez Khawaja.

Meanwhile the ousted players are upset at their removal as the new strategy means no batsman will be on a central contract.

“I am a team player. I bat aggressively so the team can go back, rest and plan for the next match. If that means I get out early, how is it my fault?” asked a current team player, who spoke to us anonymously in fear of a show-cause notice by the management.

But according to assistant manager Jan, the new plan will help the team save even more time since there won’t be a batting order anymore.

“It’s all bowlers so anyone who is padded up and wants to go, can go out and bat. It doesn’t matter who, it’s all the same. We used to spend so much time on who goes in at what number, but that’s all in the past now. This is a new team.”


Shauqeen Butt is the Daily Fikar’s sports correspondent. After failing at every sport he ever played, Shauqeen turned to writing about it. He tells us his knowledge of any sport he ever writes about is unparalleled. So if he reports it, you can trust it.


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