Morning show hosts number health concern facing the country, new study reveals

A new study by the University of Pakistan Sciences (UPS) has revealed that the number one health threat facing the country this decade are morning show hosts.

Morning show hosts narrowly beat diabetes, heart problems and police brutality to gain the number one spot on the ranking, according to Dr. Ghafoor Aalim.

“The other problems can be fixed by better healthcare by the government and people taking care of themselves,” said Dr. Aalim. “But the reason these hosts are so dangerous is because it makes people think why do I have to work if morons like these can get paid to sing, dance, gossip and pull shit-brained stunts so early in the morning? The problem is of morale.”

The study also revealed that the morning show host disease spreads faster than many deadly viruses known to man—including rabies, ebola and dengue—and victims go through three stages as it progresses. In stage one, what starts with staring at the TV with one’s mouth open in disbelief, over time progresses to confusion, delusions and paranoia. Stage two patients experience lethargy, loss of morale, mental stagnation, and stage three victims leak brain matter from the ears followed by death.

More: New traffic law—fines, jail time for drivers using indicators

“When one sees these lunatics treat acne, fix marital problems and exorcise jinns with the same cucumber, wh else do you think will happen to that person? The more we let this go on, the faster it will affect the entire country,” said Dr. Aalim.

With no cure or vaccine available yet to treat this growing health concern, Dr. Aalim said there’s only one thing to be done, starting with separating the hosts from the normal population.

“We tried a lot of things in our study trials. But the only thing that seems to work is collecting all the hosts together in Karachi, putting them on a plane, flying them as far over the Arabian Sea as possible, and then dropping them. That, or forcing them to get real jobs,” he said.

“This may sound extreme, but extreme problems demand extreme solutions. I plead the government to take notice and act before these morning viruses ruin us all.”


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


After fixing America, Trump now promises to Make Pakistan Great Again

NEWS BRIEF—After listing every mistake Pakistan has ever made since 1947, US President Donald Trump has called the country a friend and promised to make it great again.

Hot off the successes of his own tenure as president, where his main achievement remains getting his entire family into government, Trump believes he’s just the right person to help Pakistan.

But experts observing Trump’s relationship with Pakistan have warned about the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

“Like an abusive boyfriend, President Trump threatens by ending US aid one day, and tries to kiss and make up by saying mildly sweet things the next,” said child psychologist Shamina Amina. “Pakistan should keep its eyes and ears fully open.”


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


Like what you read? Giggled a little? Then share it with your friends on Facebook, and follow us on Instagram (@dailyfikar) for more laughs. 


New traffic law: Fines, jail time for drivers using indicators

Starting in 2019, traffic police across Pakistan will be authorized to stop, fine and jail drivers using indicators for turning or changing lanes.

The reason being given for the new law is that flashing the indicator causes more accidents than not using it at all. The cars behind the indicating driver speed up to prevent him or her from changing lanes and this has been the lead cause of car accidents across the country.

“You don’t need indicators in Pakistan. If you want to turn, you turn. Just do it. Nobody needs to know your plans for the day.”

Minister for Traffic Tahir Khufiajaal

At a big press conference covered by local and international media, Minister for Traffic Tahir Khufiajaal said this is an example of the government’s forward thinking in the new year.

“In other countries when people see a car’s indicator, they make room for it to turn or merge. Our people don’t think like that. They take an indicator as a personal insult and get upset,” Khufiajaal said. “So we’ve decided to ban indicators.”

Khufiajaal has instructed all local car manufacturers to remove indicators from cars in production with licenses being revoked for those who don’t comply. Owners of imported cars will have to cover their indicators with black tint tape so no accidents are caused if anyone sees their indicator light turn on by accident.

Large fines and jail time for those who continue using their indicators.

Several foreign reporters at the press conference asked Khufiajaal how people should signal if they want to turn or change lanes without indicators.

“You don’t need indicators in Pakistan. If you want to turn, you turn. Just do it,” he said. “Nobody needs to know your plans for the day.”

Khufiajaal went on to add that any driver seen giving indicators the first time will be fined at least Rs. 2,500 and have their car towed at personal expense. Repeat offenders might be jailed for up to 15 days, fined Rs.10,000 and their car scrapped, also at personal expense.


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


Like what you read? Giggled a little? Then share it with your friends on Facebook, and follow us on Instagram (@dailyfikar) for more laughs.