A new study by the University of Pakistan Sciences (UPS) has revealed that the number one health threat facing the country this decade are morning show hosts.
Morning show hosts narrowly beat diabetes, heart problems and police brutality to gain the number one spot on the ranking, according to Dr. Ghafoor Aalim.
“The other problems can be fixed by better healthcare by the government and people taking care of themselves,” said Dr. Aalim. “But the reason these hosts are so dangerous is because it makes people think why do I have to work if morons like these can get paid to sing, dance, gossip and pull shit-brained stunts so early in the morning? The problem is of morale.”
The study also revealed that the morning show host disease spreads faster than many deadly viruses known to man—including rabies, ebola and dengue—and victims go through three stages as it progresses. In stage one, what starts with staring at the TV with one’s mouth open in disbelief, over time progresses to confusion, delusions and paranoia. Stage two patients experience lethargy, loss of morale, mental stagnation, and stage three victims leak brain matter from the ears followed by death.
“When one sees these lunatics treat acne, fix marital problems and exorcise jinns with the same cucumber, wh else do you think will happen to that person? The more we let this go on, the faster it will affect the entire country,” said Dr. Aalim.
With no cure or vaccine available yet to treat this growing health concern, Dr. Aalim said there’s only one thing to be done, starting with separating the hosts from the normal population.
“We tried a lot of things in our study trials. But the only thing that seems to work is collecting all the hosts together in Karachi, putting them on a plane, flying them as far over the Arabian Sea as possible, and then dropping them. That, or forcing them to get real jobs,” he said.
“This may sound extreme, but extreme problems demand extreme solutions. I plead the government to take notice and act before these morning viruses ruin us all.”
Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.