Morning show hosts number health concern facing the country, new study reveals

A new study by the University of Pakistan Sciences (UPS) has revealed that the number one health threat facing the country this decade are morning show hosts.

Morning show hosts narrowly beat diabetes, heart problems and police brutality to gain the number one spot on the ranking, according to Dr. Ghafoor Aalim.

“The other problems can be fixed by better healthcare by the government and people taking care of themselves,” said Dr. Aalim. “But the reason these hosts are so dangerous is because it makes people think why do I have to work if morons like these can get paid to sing, dance, gossip and pull shit-brained stunts so early in the morning? The problem is of morale.”

The study also revealed that the morning show host disease spreads faster than many deadly viruses known to man—including rabies, ebola and dengue—and victims go through three stages as it progresses. In stage one, what starts with staring at the TV with one’s mouth open in disbelief, over time progresses to confusion, delusions and paranoia. Stage two patients experience lethargy, loss of morale, mental stagnation, and stage three victims leak brain matter from the ears followed by death.

More: New traffic law—fines, jail time for drivers using indicators

“When one sees these lunatics treat acne, fix marital problems and exorcise jinns with the same cucumber, wh else do you think will happen to that person? The more we let this go on, the faster it will affect the entire country,” said Dr. Aalim.

With no cure or vaccine available yet to treat this growing health concern, Dr. Aalim said there’s only one thing to be done, starting with separating the hosts from the normal population.

“We tried a lot of things in our study trials. But the only thing that seems to work is collecting all the hosts together in Karachi, putting them on a plane, flying them as far over the Arabian Sea as possible, and then dropping them. That, or forcing them to get real jobs,” he said.

“This may sound extreme, but extreme problems demand extreme solutions. I plead the government to take notice and act before these morning viruses ruin us all.”


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


Humayun Saeed to write, produce, direct, edit, debut and star in new Netflix series ‘Super Humayun’

Veteran actor Humayun Saeed is set to write, produce, direct, edit, debut and star in Netflix’s first-ever Pakistani superhero show “Super Humayun.”

Sources close to both Saeed and Netflix are tight-lipped about the exciting venture but rumours are Saeed will not only play the heroic vigilante crime fighter Super Humayun, but will also have a double role as the show’s main villain, Humayun Dada.

Rumours are abuzz that Saeed will also do all his own stunts as well as choreographing the show’s two item numbers, also performed by Saeed.

The first season, set in Thatta, will depict Super Humayun’s fight to save the city from alien invaders led by his arch rival and estranged twin brother Humayun Dada. Rumours are abuzz that Saeed will also do all his own stunts as well as choreographing the show’s two item numbers, also performed by Saeed.

The small cast of the show, with most of the characters being played by Saeed himself—most notably the hero, his love interest, and the villain—is a testament to his broad skills and abilities, according to casting director Humayun Saeed.  

With shooting currently being held on-location in Thatta, the series is set to debut on Eid-ul-Fitr 2020.


Sana Mudeer is a former award-winning journalist who burned out early and now has to write for the Daily Fikar. Forced to return all her awards, she can now be found sulking around the office brooding over what could have been. 


Valentine’s Day now ‘Cousin-Se-Dulhan’ Day: Punjaban University to promote local tradition on Feb. 14

NEWS BRIEF (Faisalabad)—In an effort to shun the irrelevant Western tradition of Valentine’s Day and promote the long standing local tradition of marrying cousins, Punjaban University will be celebrating Cousin-Se-Dulhan Day on Feb. 14.

“All these young boys and girls spend so much time writing love letters and buying chocolates for their so-called girlfriends and boyfriends, when in fact they’ll end up getting married to that cousin they always thought of as a sibling until after the first child,” said university president Zanana Khofiyaan. “So instead of wasting time on these false Western dreams, we want our youth to write letters to and buy chocolates for all of their cousins because statistically one of them is going to be their real jaanu for life.”

After fixing America, Trump now promises to Make Pakistan Great Again

NEWS BRIEF—After listing every mistake Pakistan has ever made since 1947, US President Donald Trump has called the country a friend and promised to make it great again.

Hot off the successes of his own tenure as president, where his main achievement remains getting his entire family into government, Trump believes he’s just the right person to help Pakistan.

But experts observing Trump’s relationship with Pakistan have warned about the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

“Like an abusive boyfriend, President Trump threatens by ending US aid one day, and tries to kiss and make up by saying mildly sweet things the next,” said child psychologist Shamina Amina. “Pakistan should keep its eyes and ears fully open.”


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


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New traffic law: Fines, jail time for drivers using indicators

Starting in 2019, traffic police across Pakistan will be authorized to stop, fine and jail drivers using indicators for turning or changing lanes.

The reason being given for the new law is that flashing the indicator causes more accidents than not using it at all. The cars behind the indicating driver speed up to prevent him or her from changing lanes and this has been the lead cause of car accidents across the country.

“You don’t need indicators in Pakistan. If you want to turn, you turn. Just do it. Nobody needs to know your plans for the day.”

Minister for Traffic Tahir Khufiajaal

At a big press conference covered by local and international media, Minister for Traffic Tahir Khufiajaal said this is an example of the government’s forward thinking in the new year.

“In other countries when people see a car’s indicator, they make room for it to turn or merge. Our people don’t think like that. They take an indicator as a personal insult and get upset,” Khufiajaal said. “So we’ve decided to ban indicators.”

Khufiajaal has instructed all local car manufacturers to remove indicators from cars in production with licenses being revoked for those who don’t comply. Owners of imported cars will have to cover their indicators with black tint tape so no accidents are caused if anyone sees their indicator light turn on by accident.

Large fines and jail time for those who continue using their indicators.

Several foreign reporters at the press conference asked Khufiajaal how people should signal if they want to turn or change lanes without indicators.

“You don’t need indicators in Pakistan. If you want to turn, you turn. Just do it,” he said. “Nobody needs to know your plans for the day.”

Khufiajaal went on to add that any driver seen giving indicators the first time will be fined at least Rs. 2,500 and have their car towed at personal expense. Repeat offenders might be jailed for up to 15 days, fined Rs.10,000 and their car scrapped, also at personal expense.


Shahi Mureed is a staff reporter for the Daily Fikar. On a slow news day, he tends to make up stories at his desk. Mureed considers himself Pakistan’s reply to Dan Brown and is working on his first thriller titled ‘Almaari ki Chaabi’.


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New game plan: Pakistan to play all bowlers and no batsmen in 2019

A new team for 2019. In a radical step to change their fortunes in the new year, Pakistan cricket administrators have come up with a new plan: drop all batsmen and play 11 bowlers in every game.

“Every year it’s the same thing. The batsmen score no more than the tailenders, so what’s the point? We have a strong bowling unit and we will have a better chance to win if we play 11 bowlers and no batsmen,” said Khushbakht Jan, assistant team manager.

With the World Cup only months away, Jan said the new strategy will throw other teams off because no one has tried it before. Even the keeper will be a specialist bowler.

Several former cricketers have come out in favour of the new strategy.

“Credit to the management, what a beauty! This is exactly the type of thinking we need right now: hard and strong,” said former player Kameez Khawaja.

Meanwhile the ousted players are upset at their removal as the new strategy means no batsman will be on a central contract.

“I am a team player. I bat aggressively so the team can go back, rest and plan for the next match. If that means I get out early, how is it my fault?” asked a current team player, who spoke to us anonymously in fear of a show-cause notice by the management.

But according to assistant manager Jan, the new plan will help the team save even more time since there won’t be a batting order anymore.

“It’s all bowlers so anyone who is padded up and wants to go, can go out and bat. It doesn’t matter who, it’s all the same. We used to spend so much time on who goes in at what number, but that’s all in the past now. This is a new team.”


Shauqeen Butt is the Daily Fikar’s sports correspondent. After failing at every sport he ever played, Shauqeen turned to writing about it. He tells us his knowledge of any sport he ever writes about is unparalleled. So if he reports it, you can trust it.


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Rs. 5000 wedding: The ultimate budget shaadi experience is here

A shaadi for just Rs. 5000? It sounds impossible, it sounds absurd, but it’s here. A revolutionary new start-up claims to have solved the most out-of-control problem facing Pakistanis today: expensive weddings.

Since it was launched last month, Sastay Dil Studios has given new meaning to ‘budget weddings’. But how does it even work?

The magic happens in a small studio in Clifton, Karachi. The bride and groom start with renting wedding costumes from the Sastay Dil catalogue for a small fee. The groom’s sherwani is shalwar-optional since the camera is positioned above the torso.

Once ready, the bride and groom, their parents and siblings are all seated on a small stage in front of a video camera which is streaming live to Facebook and YouTube. All other relatives, friends and guests are asked to attend via tuning in to the live stream. The video stream is free but commercial breaks are taken every 10 minutes.

An in-house complementary maulvi sahab is available to perform the Nikkah. But what about the traditional choaray post-Nikkah? Sastay Dil provides a solution: the bride’s father can send a Rs. 15 easyload to all the guests watching live. At the same time, a Western Union wire number flashes on the screen so the guests can also send in their love to the new couple.

What’s a desi wedding without the food? Included in the Sastay Dil package are five studio extras who walk on- and off-screen eating from plates full of biryani, mutton qorma, seekh kabab, raita and naan. The actors will enjoy their meals so much that the guests watching will have no doubt that no expense has been spared on food.

The whole event takes just about an hour and the studio runs up to seven weddings a day. Founder Jibran Makhlooq told Daily Fikar that Sastay Dil is already a roaring success. The studio has managed 72 weddings so far and is booked straight for the next three months.

“We started off in Karachi, but at this rate we’ll be expanding to Lahore, Rawalpindi, Peshawar and Quetta very soon,” Makhlooq said. “We are getting so much love from the families that it’s just humbling.”

A final Sastay Dil invoice looks like this:

  • Guest Easyload: Rs. 3000 (Rs. 15 for 200 guests watching live)
  • Extras with food: Rs. 1000
  • Studio Rental: Rs. 500
  • Costume Rental: Rs. 500 (Rs. 450 without groom’s shalwar)

Total: Rs. 5000

So what are you still waiting for? Book your wedding with Sastay Dil today and save hundreds of thousands of rupees on all the things you can do without.

Sastay Dil for Sasti Shaadi.


Sana Mudeer is a former award-winning journalist who burned out early and now has to write for the Daily Fikar. Forced to return all her awards, she can now be found sulking around the office brooding over what could have been.


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IMF to Pakistan: Public urination tax will stabilize rupee-dollar rate

The IMF and World Bank have asked Pakistan to introduce a new public urination tax to stabilize the economy.

“We are confident this tax will help stabilize the rupee-dollar rate and lift the country of debt,” said IMF chief Bob Hope.

Zaheen Lota, an outdoor urination activist was outraged by the demand.

“Awaam ka pishaab bhi nai chora. Is mein se bhi le lo,” Lota said. “Nai chalay gi nai chalay gi—pishaab khori nai chalay gi [sic].”

Lota anger’s aside, several newspaper columnists have been asking where the people are supposed to go when there are so few public washrooms. Some said it’s not a urination tax but a ‘public ruination’ tax.

But Bob Hope responded by asking Pakistanis to look at outdoor urination as a public service.

“It’s a simple chain reaction,” he said. “You piss wherever you want, no restrictions, which is easy for you. You pay a small tax on it, which is good for the economy. Everyone wins.”


Amir Khabri is a staff reporter at the Daily Fikar. Brimming with more enthusiasm than talent, he strives to inform readers of the news that really matters. In his spare time he reads book covers and takes pictures of his neighbour’s dog. You can’t follow Amir anywhere because he detests social media.


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Defending the chappal: Controversial shoot part of Mother’s Day campaign

A recent chappal photo-shoot has come under fire for its misogynist overtones, but supporters now say it was part of a Mother’s Day ad campaign.

Fashion photographer Bae Zameer of Pakistan Fashion Tehreek said the shoot has been completely taken out of context.

“People are taking this completely the wrong way. The theme of the chappal shoot was ‘Maa Ki Khidmat’,” Zameer said. “If you look closely, the model on the floor is actually massaging a female leg. That’s supposed to represent her ammi’s foot in our new Maa Ki Khidmat chappal line.”

When asked why the woman was massaging a foot with the chappal still on, Zameer said that was to show the different ways the chappal could be used.

“The Maa Ki Khidmat chappal is good for walking, massaging and light beating. An ideal gift for Pakistani mothers and the shoot shows all these features in just a few pictures,” he said.

Other varieties in the Maa Ki Khidmat Chappal line.

Asked if the images could be taken the wrong such as a symbol of violence against women, Zameer got visibly upset.

“That is the close-minded nature of our society. Demeaning a mother-daughter relationship for a few likes and shares. Shame on you.”

The Maa Ki Khidmat chappal is now available across Pakistan with a 50% discount for those who recreate the infamous pose and post it online with #MaaKiKhidmat and #PariChappal.


Sana Mudeer is a former award-winning journalist who burned out early and now has to write for the Daily Fikar. Forced to return all her awards, she can now be found sulking around the office brooding over what could have been.


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